Jesus’s Really Bad Day

March 29th, 2012

Easter is coming, and Christians know what that means. You get to hear the story of how Jesus made a huge, miraculous sacrifice for us. Again. With lots of songs, a long sermon (if you’re lucky, you have a preacher who makes interesting ethical points instead of just using the canned sermon from his weekly recommendations newsletter), and afterwards, bad coffee.

Jesus has a really bad day

I haven’t been to an Easter service in many years, and still the story is branded into my brain. A brand is really a scar; over time that scar has been fading and healing somewhat, as scars do. Now that I’m less focused on ignoring the repetition and have examined it more objectively, I’ve had some new thoughts. (Oh no, not thoughts!) In particular, there is a huge contradiction between “great sacrifice” and “miraculous resurrection.”

Based on the story I was told, I don’t think Jesus really sacrificed anything. I was taught, year after year, that he knew in advance that he would be alive again after three days. This is carefully pointed out to us as part of the Easter story, to make sure we all know he prophesied the event. So, according to the story, Jesus knew he would not be dead for long. Sure he was afraid of a little pain, but it’s to save all people, forever. Right? So, a day of terrible pain, three days dead (in hell or not depending on whether you believe in hell), and then bam he’s in heaven ruling creation on the right hand of god. What an awesome miracle! And a great sacrifice?

As it’s portrayed in the story, no, it’s not a great sacrifice really. But it would be, if we were being told the grown-up version of the story! It’s the Little Red Riding Hood Effect.

Once upon a time, there was a story about a little girl in a hood. In this story, Hoodie Girl unwisely talked to strangers, and then her grandmother unwisely opened the door to strangers, and they were both horribly eaten up. This story is supposed to frighten little children thereby teaching an important lesson about walking alone at night and talking to strangers. The story is violent and tragic; fortunately for weak-willed parents, there is a “preschool” version of the story where a woodcutter arrives “just in time” to save Hoodie Girl. There is also a “wussie preschool” version, in which the woodcutter even arrives in time to save grandma.

In softening the story to make it less scary, some of the strength of the warning message is lost.

What if the Gospels of Jesus Christ are the “wussie preschool” version of his story? What if in the real, adult version of the story, Jesus, God’s son, is tortured to death?  And what if that’s the end of the story? Now that is what I call a sacrifice. This whole “oh but he’s not really dead, in three days he comes back” thing sounds a bit tacked-on, like the woodcutter bursting in and cutting grandma out of the wolf’s belly, whereupon she is completely OK and has learned a valuable lesson! “Oh no, the children are going to cry, I’d better think quick!”

If you must live your life based on the advice in an ancient fairy tale, you could at least use the grown-up version.

Watch for my new book “Jesus’s Really Bad Day” based on a true story! I’m also working on a new book about a little girl with a red hoodie who is chased through the neighborhood and shot by the neighborhood watch, except that a brave woodcutter arrives just in time. I’m still working on it.

Birth control – a slippery slope argument

February 20th, 2012

Slippery slope arguments are flawed because they assume that the slope is slippery. But there is always a risk that people, with their various agendas, will gradually force change along that slope until they achieve their nefarious goals. And so, starting from Reagan’s logic, I explain using similarly flawed yet compelling logic (what really?) why abortion and birth control should be freely available to all in unlimited fashion.

According to Reagan’s slippery slope argument, allowing abortion for “arbitrary reasons” is a slippery slope that will inevitably lead to the denial of human rights. In other words, if we allow people to have abortions simply because having children is inconvenient, they will inevitably start to have abortions for other reasons.

Let’s look at the slippery slope side. How slippery is this slippery slope? At this time the overwhelming majority of abortions are accidental, unplanned pregnancies. Is it inevitable that allowing abortion of these pregnancies will result in other parents selectively aborting until they get just the right hair color? If we allow abortion, will parents inevitably begin breeding a master race in at the expense of aborted fetuses?

Well, maybe so. There are some abortions being performed right now because the child would be female–and that’s simply wrong. It is hard to disagree when you say “this fetus has the same right to a birth as other fetuses even though it is female and brown-eyed and has down’s syndrome and is the Antichrist and its parents are 12 years old crack addicts.” So to avoid this conundrum, we might consider denying access to abortion.

At this time, a number of religious people want to draw the line further back: by denying access to both abortion and birth control. In fact, there is a whole continuum of options here. In the middle of the continuum there is allowing abortion for rape victims. If we allow abortion with no ethical restraints, ultimately we have people aborting children because they are girls. In the other direction we have the birth control pill and IUDs, which technically cause the loss of fertilized ova no matter what its sex. And at the far end of the continuum we have people using condoms and abstinence to selectively prevent birth.

If an IUD is a crime against a “preborn child,” are other forms of birth control also a crime?

Successful, educated people choosing not to have children, is that not a crime against the children? We are harming the entire human race a tiny bit by allowing successful, educated people to go childless. And what about the human rights of all their children? That woman has perfectly good ova that get thrown away every month. Every month that man resorbs thousands, millions of sperm. By choosing not to have frequent, unprotected sex, they are denying the birthright of their children. Those unborn children deserve the same chance as children born to underprivileged crack addicts, don’t you think?

You want to think I’m being silly, but you know there are people who agree with what I just said. Don’t those children deserve a chance? (I’ve even half convinced myself, simply by using the words “unborn children” and “parents” to describe two people who don’t even have sex with each other.) This slippery slope starts with denying parents the use of birth control, and ends with forced parenthood, fertility drugs and artificial insemination.

Can we stop being silly, then? Lying between forced parenthood and “selectively breeding a master race” you will find an entire continuum of options. The best thing to do is draw the line where it provides the most good for the most people. And if you think that’s pretty easy, it is–if you can agree on your goals.

This is where the real problem lies. This all hinges on the disingenuous claim of wanting to protect the “human rights” of the “future child.” I claim that when we talk about abortion and birth control, none of us are interested in human rights.

Christians don’t care about human lives; they are interested in souls. This is how someone can simultaneously be in favor of pursuing a war in Afghanistan but call an abortion murder. It looks hypocritical, but from a Christian viewpoint it is not. An adult killed in combat is sad, but not a huge tragedy. He had a chance to accept Jesus, be saved, and go to heaven when he dies. Maybe he did not, but he has had his chance. His funeral is sad, but also a great opportunity to preach about salvation. A fetus has not had the chance to accept Jesus, and therefore its destruction is a great tragedy. (This is why they baptize aborted fetuses.) So, a Christian can not compromise on abortion; to him, the birth control pill causes a great tragedy nearly every month. From a Christian perspective it is best if you squeeze out as many babies as possible for God’s army.

Like the Christian, I have no respect for the sanctity of human life; unlike the Christian, I only care about people. I see the fetus and the combatant both as human life, but the combatant is a person. He is self aware, and has time to become an adult person. The fertilized ovum has potential, of course… but again we reach the slippery slope… if every ovum has potential, should every woman be perpetually pregnant? Why no respect for the unfertilized ova? If you have one that isn’t fertilized, I can find you literally thousands of men willing to help with that. But I digress…I respect the unfertilized ova, but I do not cry when they are thrown out, monthly, by the billions, worldwide.

The Christian and I both have no respect for human life: I see the day-old fetus as unimportant because it is not a person. The Christian sees people as unimportant as long as they go to heaven when they die. The Christian is more worried about the fetus than the mother or any other adult human. The death of a fetus is the worst thing in the world, because it did not have a chance to go to heaven. To a Christian, what happens after you die is much more important than what happens when you are alive; for many, it is the only thing. This is one way religion is a terrible thing: it allows people to disregard the suffering of others and at the same time think they are good. A true Christian believes the number of souls birthed and brought to Jesus should be maximized, even at the cost of human rights and dignity.

This difference of perspective means that while I would like to “draw the line” where it will do the most good for the most people, the Christian can only be satisfied when the line is drawn where it will cause the largest number of humans to be born and subsequently Christianized. Quality of life after finding Jesus is not an issue.

Conclusion: Limiting access to birth control is a slippery slope–unchecked, Christians will ultimately end up with a society where all adults exist for the sole purpose of breeding as fast as possible to produce more souls for God’s army.

Study questions

  1. Does drawing the line at “forbidding all contraception” result in the greatest good for the greatest number of people?
  2. Does your answer change if you define “good” differently?
  3. Why is it not a sin for married couples to be childless?
  4. How many cells must a fetus have before its rights outweigh those of an adult woman? Does this point occur at conception? Why not before conception?

Footnote: the executive summary

Slippery slope arguments are generally a waste of time, unless you are standing on an actual, physical ice-covered slope. This is more of a thought experiment: if conceptual slippery slopes really were a risk, wouldn’t they go in both directions? If smoking Marijuana inevitably leads to overdosing on Heroin, then logically not smoking Marijuana will eventually lead to refusing medical treatment and dying young. And so on.

There is a real flaw in Reagan’s argument: it depends entirely on the assumption that every fertilized ovum has human rights.

Tonight the blogging let me down

February 10th, 2012

Apologies to Merle. And to everyone else too.

Each night I close my browser when it’s over
Not feeling any pain while closing down
But tonight my followers all seemed remoter
Couldn’t share enough to keep you off my mind

Tonight the blogging let me down
and let your memory come around
The one true friend I thought I’d found
Tonight the blogging let me down

I’ve always had a forum I could turn to
And lately I’ve been tweeting every day
But the rants don’t take effect the way they used to
And I’m hurting in an old familiar way

CHORUS