The faith-based apology
I did a bad thing but it’s an addiction (so really not my fault) and I apologize (though I don’t really have to because it’s an addiction and really the fault of the bad thing and/or devil tempting me) and please forgive me (although it doesn’t really matter if you do because God forgives me, and you want to be like God, right?) I’m sorry (genuinely sorry, as far as you can tell; I even believe it myself and I am quite definitely sorry that I got caught, believe me), and I promise I won’t ever do it again.
It’s basically a get-out-of-jail-free card that works (in varying amounts) in any situation. Although really good people will still talk about you behind your back and shun you, of course. But they did that already, didn’t they?
See also: Connor Reid Eckhardt, and any “faith and family” advocate who has ever been caught doing the naughty.
